ILY SKY

So what can I say about this little lady! She is so much fun, she can make everyone mind. There are a few people that I wouldn't think would do as she says but so far everyone of us mind her pretty well. She goes from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds,  she's everything an parent would want. She's funny, wild, bossy, lovey, mean, evil, and so dang cute. She gets the teen boys to play hide and seek, ring around the rosey, makes them go hug the table leg on Nana table in her room, to jumping on Jon's bed. Then she gets Auntie Jody and Auntie Vannie to lay down with her and watch "UP" or "LITTLE MERMAID", pulls them around where ever she wants to go. They are told to get what she wants and she even has them scratch her back when she goes to sleep. She loves To but her head on Auntie Jordy and then Yells "OUCH" Like jordan did it! She makes sure Nana knows just how she likes her sausage, and her oranges,  and how she likes her bath ran, and that she likes to walk puma herself, or that she likes Nana to walk her on pumas leash,  and she has Uncle walk with her on the back of the couch, or hits him and throws things when she thinks
He's breaking the TV.  But he minds her. To her Uncle Jay Jay who she gets to throw balls with or who she uses for her pillow or even when we say no she tries to get Uncle Jay Jay to do it. She knows that she can get Stephie to go walk with her because Stephie loves the outdoors. She's so extremely smart she has no reason to talk when she gets her point across just fine without talking. She always remembers her water balloon bucket and brings it to us and says "more" and signs it also along with "please" and signs that to! She knows if she wants to have a fit over something she can't have or something she cant do she puts herself in the corner. Everyday she suprised us with a new word or a new idea. Her toys all have there own buckets and don't mix them together or its "DON'T DON'T DONT" or "NO NO NO" Then she has to dump them all out and return organize them. The poor girl already has OCD! But she warms are heart and bring so much love into our lives. I wouldn't change anything about her!

Pinnacle Friesians

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Glynis Had my Number!!

So we were at one of Jordans shows recently and had the honor of listening to Glynis, shes a numerologist and helped us with our numbers

So to figure out my numbers i had her do a reading
So the name i go by= Mary Keller
Date of Birth = 6/30/1976

Which gives me

Explanation of Numbers	Mary's #'s
SOUL NUMBER What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.	9
PERSONALITY NUMBER A face you show the world.	3
POWER NAME NUMBER This number represents the strength of your name and tells a lot about who you are.	3
BIRTH-DAY The way you appear to people.	3
LIFEPATH The number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. The most important number in your personal Numerology.	5
ATTITUDE NUMBER The first impression people have when talking to you.	9

SPECIAL NOTES

Mary, you were born on the 30th. The ancients considered the 0 to be a gift of divine intuition, because it is without limit. The inner voice is loud, and if you listen, it will change your life for the better in a spiritual way. Always go with your gut instinct, because your first thought tends to be correct. THE LIFEPATH NUMBER The Lifepath is the number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. It is the most important number in your personal Numerology. When you add together the month, the day and the year, you get your Lifepath Number, and that is the number that fulfills you. We call that number the Lifepath Number. That number is the most important number in Numerology. Always remember, what's going to make you truly happy is focusing on your Lifepath Number. Example of how to find the Lifepath Number:   Mary Keller was born6/30/1976 3 is the Birth-Day Number   5 is the Lifepath Number.   6+3+0+1+9+7+6=32 Break it down3+2=5 Why do we break it down? Because Numerology numbers go from 1 to 9, and you must get the numbers down to one digit. Mary, Your Lifepath number is 5. Here is the description: The "5" Lifepath: The Adventurer 5’s love freedom, fun and adventure. The more they can do, the more exciting their life is to them. They love variety. If they need to go home, they might take a different route each day because they get bored so easily. They need constant stimulation. They like passion. They love to escape, and out of all the numbers 5’s and 7’s are notorious for escaping through sex, food, drugs, alcohol, geography or work. The average 5 Life Path male does not get married and if they do, they often get married more than once. The first marriage is often short lived because they don’t want to feel tied down. They need to feel it’s their world, and if a woman holds on too tightly or is too needy, they feel smothered. This is also true for the 5 Life Path woman. She cannot stand a man who clings to her. The 5‘s message is very simple: “Do not control me.” If you leave the 5 alone and just trust them, they’ll always come back to you. Much like a cat they come back to you when you ignore them-- they are capricious. 5s are all about the five senses. Things must taste just right, smell good, look pretty, feel pleasing, or they’re not happy. 5s like to look attractive. In Numerology, the 3’s and the 5s like to look performance ready. That’s what I call it when the hair, the clothes, and the makeup are just perfect. 5s are the natural detectives. They love to find out what happened. They want to be in the know. If they think someone is being dishonest, they’ll do the research to find out the truth. They don’t like to be in the dark. 5s are also the celebrators of life: Thanksgiving, Christmas, any holiday. They like to make every occasion beautiful and exciting. Even when 5’s are working they are usually thinking about the next fun thing they’re going to do. 5’s are natural givers. They would rather give the perfect gift and rejoice in your response than receive it. I often say that if a 5 received a thank you letter, they would write a thank you for the thank you. 5s are also known for their great penmanship and are experts at leaving messages on your answering machine to get you to call them back. They give just enough information to peak your curiosity. When it comes to career, 5s make good photojournalists, pilots, flight attendants, travel agents, tour guides, cruise directors—any thing to do with travel. I doubt there’s a 5 on this planet, who wouldn’t be happy if they won a free ticket, or made some sort of deal to go to Europe, or somewhere tropical and beautiful. It is important that the 5 venture out and live their quest, whether it be a job that they love or traveling all over the world. If they don’t use their energy and feel stuck in their environment, their life will become a soap opera. This can lead to depression and the feeling of being a martyr. If you have a 5 Life Path in your life who feel their life is not their own, you may hear, “Woe is me.” 5s can also be entrepreneurial because they don’t like to be under somebody else’s authority. Since they have a natural gift for entertaining, I’m sure a lot of women who are 5’s would be excited to plan somebody’s wedding or some kind of wonderful banquet and to see the beauty that they have created. 5’s are often involved in the entertainment business. There’s a wild side to the 5. We find 5s in the charts of rock stars, strippers, or casino owners. I think if there’s a real fear for the 5, it is of being bored; they’d rather be dead. I’ve yet to meet a 5 whose life was not fascinating and who didn’t have more than enough stories for just one lifetime. 5’s are also the gamblers. If not risking actual money at the table, they are taking chances in life. If a 5 sees a homeless person, they want to know the story. If they see an injustice, they can’t help but be affected by it. A lot of 5s escape in books. When they read books, they live vicariously through them. Of course, that can be a safe and healthy form of escape. I have also found that 5s make wonderful fiction writers, because their imagination is so vivid. When you pick up a book written by a 5 Life Path, you will fall into this imaginary world that they have created, and when the story is over, you will be very eager for their next novel. J.K. Rowlings, the author of the Harry Potter Novel Series is a 5 Life Path, need I say more? As you can see, escape is the name of their game. If you yell at a 5, the 5 will not listen. A 5 will tune you out. They might shake their head and nod agreeably, but truthfully, they have mentally left the building. Because 5s like variety, sex and passion, sometimes they can overindulge to the degree that in later years they find themselves impotent or frigid. I caution the 5 not to be so quick to jump in and out of relationships, because eventually they do end up in pain. Sometimes they will have been married for a short time to someone and years later they will realize that relationship was pretty good, but they were restless and they had to keep moving. They have to live their life and have excitement and experience all this stuff they call variety. So my advice to someone who is involved with a 5 who has a job that requires them to leave you from time to time, let them go. Don’t feel threatened. Just trust that they love you. I guarantee that they’ll come back to you and you’ll feel more loved and appreciated by them. How the Lifepath 5 gets along with each number: Natural Matches: 1, 5 and 7 Compatible Numbers: 3 and 9 Challenge Numbers: 2,4 and 6 Neutral Numbers: 8 LUCKY NUMBERS Everybody wants to know which are the best numbers for winning. Your lucky numbers are based on your Lifepath. I did some research in Las Vegas. Out of 100 people in a casino, 80 of those people had a 5 in their birth numbers. I also did a television segment called "Lucky Lotto Winners." I researched the birth numbers of the four million-dollar winners to search for a pattern, and all four were 5 Lifepaths. I would caution a 5 not to play with "scared money," however, and that of course is money they need for rent or a car payment. Otherwise, I would say go for it because the odds seems to be in their favor. If you're not a 5 Lifepath and you want to play, get a 5 Lifepath friend to bet for you. Mary, your Lucky Numbers are derived by the Lifepath #5. Good month: May. And if you’ll notice, May is a five. Best days of the month: 5th, 14th, and 23rd. Simply meaning if you want to go somewhere or have an interview or do something that you consider important, these are the days to do it. Day of the week: Tuesday. Lucky numbers: 5, 14, 23, 32, 41, 50, 59, 68, 77, 86, 95, and 104. THE SOUL NUMBER What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see. Knowing your Soul Number is extremely important because it is what you feel inside. People may not see your Soul Number characteristics, but you will feel it on a deep level. Take a look at your Soul Number and know that this is the number that will lead you to inner peace. Mary, your Soul Number is 9 My 9 soul is fulfilled when: I have resolved old family issues that have caused me pain. When I am living in the moment taking in everything that life has to offer me. When I am making a good living and it involves contributing to humanity. THE PERSONALITY NUMBER What is a Personality Number? When you add all the consonants of your name together you will get your Personality Number. This number tells you how you appear on the outside, that is to say, how the world sees you. Mary, your Personality Number is 3 As a 3 you love dressing up. Your appearance is important to you. You’re happy when you’re well groomed and prepared to greet your public. Your gift is communication. The 3 personality is someone who is witty and fun to be around. You love to give advice, and even if it’s unsolicited, it’s usually well received. You are a good listener, (an even better talker:)) and you love the telephone. In fact, conversation is a huge part of your life; But work on your mood swings. Even though you snap right out of it, others don’t always get over them as quickly. Bringing joy to others is what really fulfills you. THE POWER NAME NUMBER What is the Power Name Number? When you add the Soul Number and the Personality Number together and break it down to one digit you will get your Power Name Number. This number represents the strength of your name and lets us know who you are. Mary, your Power Name Number is 3. The Power Name Number 3 is the consummate showman.The 3 is the natural communicator. You need to speak your mind, tell others what you think, and how you feel. You should be in some area of performance, whether on the stage, in front of a classroom, or addressing a crowd in a lecture hall. Being on stage should be a natural for you, if not it usually means old emotional scars from your childhood. The 3 is quick witted and you welcome that round of applause! THE BIRTH-DAY NUMBER The Birth-day number is the day you were born. It is the way you look , and how people will perceive you at first glance. Since the Lifepath number is who you really are, it is easiest when the Birth-day number is either a Natural Match or a Compatible vibration to your Lifepath. However, if your Birth-day number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath, you will always baffle the people that are in your life. If this is the case in your own chart, just be sure to let people know who you really are ( your Lifepath number ). It will help you to avoid unnecessary heartaches/headaches throughout your lifetime. Mary, your Birth-Day number is 3. The 3 Birth-day ( People born on the 3rd, 12th, 21st, or 30th) The 3 Birth-day appears to be a joyous person and a faithful friend.People will notice the twinkle in your eye and the brightness of your smile. While you appear to be artistic and imaginative, people will also see at times that you can be very practical. 3s are the great communicators and people will often seek your counsel .If the 3- birth-day cannot find ways to use their natural talents, they will become depressed. The good news is that they do bounce back quickly! THE ATTITUDE NUMBER The first impression people have when talking to you. If you look at the Lifepath Number of an individual that you want to understand better and it doesn't seem accurate, then study their Attitude Number (add month and Birth-Day together). Let's talk a little bit more about the Attitude Number. How to get it is to add the month and the day together and break that number down to one digit. For instance, for someone born on September 17th: 9 + 1 + 7 = 17 = 1 + 7 = 8 8 is the Attitude Number of a person born 9-17. Mary, your Attitude number is 9 Attitude #9: Wherever a 9 goes, people will look to them as the person in charge. If they have any emotional scars from their childhood, they need to let them go.If they do not, it can lead to depression. Meanings of Repeated Numbers in your Chart When a number repeats itself in your chart, pay special attention to it because it plays an important part in your character. This is especially true if the repeating number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath . For example: Steve is a 5-9-5-3-4 Lifepath / 5 attitude. Steve is a 4 Lifepath, which means he wants love and would welcome a committed relationship. The 5 on the other hand need freedom to come and go. The 5 does does not want to feel trapped. This sets up conflict in Steve's personal chart, and it is important for him to be aware of this inner duality. Mary, your repeat numbers are 3 & 9 The repeat number 3 Means you must find ways to communicate whether it is through speaking or writing. Do what it takes to keep your wonderful sense of humor, and always believe in magic. The repeat number 9 Means you must let go of all the old pain from your childhood. Share your responsibilities instead of taking on the whole burden yourself. No one can read your mind. Let others know what your needs are so that they can give back to you. What is a Natural Match? Natural Matches are the numbers that are truly alike. They come in sets of three. The first set is 1, 5 and 7. They are the mind numbers. The second set is 2,4,and 8.They are the business minded numbers. The third and final set are 3, 6 and 9. They are the creative-minded numbers. When a Natural Match meets, it is an automatic connection. The relationship tends to flow. There is an immediate understanding. You do not have to explain to a Natural Match why you do what you do, because chances are they would do it the exact same way. What is a Compatible Number? These are the numbers in Numerology that you can get along with, but may have to explain your actions from time to time. A Compatible number will enjoy your company, and be willing to work things out if the relationship gets off track. What is a Neutral Number? A Neutral number is a vibration you will feel indifferent about at first. As a relationship develops, it can go either way- peaceful or an all out war. You need to experience the Neutral number on a case by case basis before drawing any conclusions. What is a Challenge Number? Challenge numbers are the numbers that really do not understand you. It is as if you speak two different languages. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings are very common when two people come together that have Challenge numbers in their chart. It is nobody's fault. It is just different vibrations flowing in different directions. Some Numerologists call the Challenge number a "toxic number". I try not to because planting seeds of negativity does not improve the situation. Important Note: as a Numerologist I have observed that if one is abusing alcohol or any kind of drug, the reading of their numbers will be distorted. No one is his or her true self when under the influence of any substance. Keep this in mind if you are involved with someone who has a serious problem. Numerology is like an onion, when you peel it you will find it has many layers. If you want to learn more about Numerology, order the Glynis has your Number Numerology Kit. The Kit consists of a book and an audiotape. On the tape Glynis teaches the meaning of the numbers 1 through 9 for easy memorization. The book will show you how to incorporate these numbers into your life. The kit is available at www.numberslady.com Welcome to the wonderful world of Numerology. Good Luck!

Letter from Kim Ross

So I recieved this tonight from a wonderful young Lady that I have got to know from Jaegar and Brendan!!
Shes such a sweet girl, and has had so much tragic in her short life.
Im glad that we have bonded and we have been able to see her a few times and hoping for more visits soon!!

Dear Mary,
Well first of all I enjoyed spending time with you guys tonight and would love to see you all more often! Your truly amazing,you've helped me though alot already,I feel like if I ever need someone to talk to or if I ever need anything your always there.Your almost like another Mom to me. And that means more then you will ever know! Some of the things I shared tonight about family I don't really tell anyone. But I'm glad I was able to talk about it with you. We need to get together as so as possible! I want to be around you guys alot more! Thank you so much! It means everything to me! Love you♥

Kindness makes a difference!!!

So a few months ago I saw a thing from a lady called Operation Nice http://www.operationnice.com/ , So me being I want my kids to see that there are all sorts of great people in this world. There are some who have more then us and there are alot who have less, but at the end of the day I want my Children to be able to say "WOW I made a Difference in someones Life!"

So with that in mind I got my post it note pads and had the kids write a nice comment on it, they could stick it somewhere,like a bathroom mirror or Item at the store, or even hand it to them and walk away.

Also keep in mind Jordan has Asked us many of times "Why ME?" Why Do I Have to Have a Heart Problem?" "Why do I always get the short end of the Stick?" " Why did most my friends go away when I got Sick?" " Why do I feel as everyone gives up on me?"

I will NEVER forget the first time Jordan asked me "Why Me?" We had just taken Kasie and her Daughters home to Bremerton, we were on the drive back and right as we started to cross the Narrows Bridge She Said "Mom, Why Me?" I looked over and light off the bridge shined and i could see her eyes filled with tears as they began to drop from her face, All I could think to say is "Jordan I dont have the awnser as to why you, but i will tell you that god knows im not going to stop working to make things better for you until everything is right." There are many kids whos parents dont care or take them in to the doctors when they say somethings wrong but see God sent you to us, because I will take you to the doctors and go the extra mile for my Children."

The first thing I have always told her is I know that God chose you for us, because there are alot of parents in this world who wouldnt take there kids to the Doctor, or when we didnt feel as we were getting the proper care, we took you to Childrens Hospital, God knew that we would make sure we got some awnsers to what was wrong. And stay on top of things and make sure the doctors are working on fixing your heart. So he placed you here with us and we will go anywhere and do anything to help you!

But I believe that shes starting to see things different,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So a Few weeks back we went to the US OPEN CUP Championship For the Seattle Sounders, with the nice notes in hand Jordan said She wanted to give hers to that guy riding his bike.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So the next game she wanted to give him another one and as she did he told us this story about a girl who gave him a note last game, He said that young lady didnt know is that 10 minutes before she left that note I had a few guys fit me stick there foot in my bike tire, and I had just regrouped and got back on my bike and this lady put this note on my handle bars

                                                         You Make the World Brighter!!

Remember that the small things in life are just as Important as the large things!

This Man is Alvin and he rides for military familys, cancer,Diabetes, and many more things! he is truely amazing!!

As we stood there and listened to his story and then I said that was her!

To see the look on her face to see she had made a difference was great!

Alvin and Jordan

Hes just some of his amazing things he does!!

                                    

he gave her inspiration to keep making a difference for others, we as a whole family can say that we have a truely amazing friend in our lifes know and he will always be part of our family.

And then Alvin said he wanted to share something they need to know and that is: All women, ladies, young ladies, girls and little girls deserve and need to be treated with all the love and respect that is rightfully due to you at all times, so I say, ladies, young ladies, girls and little girls hold you head up high and be proud of who and what you are, because only to us men are you considered as out Queens”

Another thing he shared with them is

"If you have a set back

Dont take a step back

Get ready for a Comeback"

So as I read his BLOGGER page http://teampdr.blogspot.com// again I See what hes added

The more we all spoke we began to become closer, you see her mom and grandma are two pretty amazing women themselves, mom is the one who instilled the direction of passion in her daughters life and grandma did what grandmas do the best LOVE, and her daughter does the rest.

Moms daughter has a rare heat condition, that requires hospitalization some of the time, she touched my heart and life in an unspeakable special way and has a vary important place in my life.

Through the struggles of everyday living, to me she is known to be a warrior, strong in battle, but yet gentle and precious as a butterfly.
Her best friend,a new generation of girls whom brings a new meaning friendship.To her best friend (Carly), an angle sent by God to be a vary, vary special friend Bring tears to my eyes as grandma and mom stood by watching and listening to the girls as they grow in maturity. Wanting so much to be a blessing to others
Feisty and determined not to let anything hold her back… One love

Alvin To you .....I can say you leave us speechless, you are a god sent for others and are so amazing, I tell this story to my family and as i do i always say I want you all to meet him. I told them that you are one of the greatest people out there and we are so thankful for you.
With all our love and support and prayers for you we will always be your cheerleaders!!!!!



Adam Curtis Daniels

Adam Curtis Daniels Part 1
It has been 19 days since you were hurt Adam.

This is as I know it, from the stories that were told the night you were hurt. Let me tell you how it went for me.

I was laying in my bed at 10:15PM on Monday night the 16th of April, 2007. Mary came into my room hysterical. Sherri was on the phone and Adam was at Tacoma General Hospital in surgery.

I didn't know what had happened, I only knew that I had to get there. I arrived about 20 minutes later, and the scene was scary. Adam, you were in surgery, people were sitting around in shock and trying to piece together what had happened to you. I can only say that it wasn't real. It felt like one of your tricks. Your shock and awe that you like to do to us. But also knowing that was not the case.

The doctor came out and told us that you were in very critical condition and that it was minute by minute. You could live or die. We knew this was serious. We were able to see you after they had moved you to the ICU trauma unit. Adam, what that did to my heart, it broke into a thousand pieces. The only thing that I could think of was to get a picture of you. I needed the nurses to see that you were our boy, our baby, indeed a special person. I made prints of a picture of Mary and you, and one of you, and hung them on the wall. We daily add pictures of your family. We want the world to know that they are working to save someone important to a huge family.

The fact that someone would hurt you beyond recognition was unfathomable to me. You, who would go the extra mile in the name of love, family and friendship. You could not breath on your own, you could not open your eyes, you were not with us, and we were very afraid. Over the next week, it continued to be touch and go, we learned to watch numbers like you will never believe. We learned what all of the numbers meant, and how to keep them where they needed to be.

At one time this was the scene that we were facing. You were hooked up to 9 different IV medications. For pain, for short term memory, for seizures, for blood sugar, for sodium levels, neo synephrine for blood pressure, morphine (an amount that would have killed me), and a wonder drug call propopol (milk of amnesia). You had a ventilator, because you were in a paralytic state and could not breath on your own. You had 50+ staples in your head and more in your leg, broken ribs, and a serious bleed on your head. Then you developed a bleed on the brain, and severe pnuemonia. You had ventilator tubes, a probe in your head that gave us your ICP's (inter-cranial pressure counts) which was our most important number of all, we had to try to keep you down under 20. You had a feeding tube in your nose, and they were dumping meds into your system to try to keep the numbers in sync.

Then on Wednesday night the 18th, your sister who had diagnosed with pre-clampsia during the daytime, started getting a horrible headache. We tried to give her tylenol, nothing would touch it. We realized that nothing we were doing was helping her, so we took her to Good Samaritan Birthing Center. They checked her out and decided that it would be best to keep her there for the night. They had decided that they were going to induce her labor the next morning because her blood pressure had elevated to dangerous levels. Then her urine tests came back, and we were notified that her protein levels were at 26,000. The normal number being 100. She was dumping toxins into her system and they had to get your niece out of there. At 5:30 pm on the 19th they delivered "Malia Antonella Little Feather Cuny Mostrom Sonsteng". How is that for a name. She weighed 5 lbs and 10 ounces and was 18 1/2" long. What a gorgeous baby. She was taken to NICU, and Destiny was taken to the Critical Care Unit.

So now we have 2 kids in Critical condition. Not good odds for us. In a normal situation, Destiny's numbers should have started coming down. No, not for us, her number elevated to 32.000. She had a ton of magnesium in her system, which is a poison when dumped like that, and the baby had magnesium levels in her system as well. So Mom and I tag teamed. You would have been proud of us. We make a great team.

During this time, you started to open your eyes, and your stare was blank. You did not respond, and did not see us. Were you in there? That was the million dollar question. If you hear "squeeze my hand" one more time, you will probably shoot us.

Every day you are taking tiny steps forward, it gives us great hope for you. We don't know the extent of damage that was done to you as of yet. We have had many long days. You seem to have bad nights, so Mom and I make a point of going up to the hospital at night to make sure you are okay. Your numbers seem to go up the most during the late evening. We talk softly to you, rub your shoulders, rub your forehead, etc. You especially like to have your tummy rubbed. We try different things, to make the numbers stay down. We are not always successful and sometimes that have to give you a bullet shot to knock you down. Oh, how I wish we had that 15 years ago. "Adam is being bad, shoot, knock him out". Wow, would that have been nice. You have leg massagers on your legs, that cover the staples, due to being hit in the legs with a bat. Your broken ribs are healing on there own, since you cannot move, they did not have to wrap them. And you have braces on your legs to keep them straight, in order to protect your ankles. You are definently wired. All of the wires are scary, however, we ask questions, and know what each thing is for. We are okay with that. They are all helping you.

You hate the ventilator in your throat. You fight it harder and more often than you used to fight with Ryan.

More Later...................

 Adam Curtis - Part 2


We talked about how much you hate the ventilator. Well, on wednesday the 2nd of May, they took out your ventilator, and installed a traecheotomy tube instead. Wow, you are a lot better about your breathing now. You are not constantly fighting with your tubes. You don't have to try to bite it out of your throat anymore. You respond better to us. You began to wake up more and are more able to nod yes and no for what you want and need.

Then on Thursday the 3rd, you had your feeding tube moved into your stomach. You also had the probe that measures your ICP's removed. You were free and we were able to hug you and kiss you without worrying about your tubes. We became so number oriented that we kind of miss that monitor. Now we just try to keep you calm.

During both of these surgeries they put you under with a local and a paralytic. That way they didn't have to put anymore undue stress on you. You came out of the paralytic after a few hours, and slowly woke up out of the local. You are amazing. Instead of taking baby steps, you are trying to run.

Thursday night you cost me money sweet boy. We were up at the hospital after your surgery to put in the stomach tube. You were coming out of the anesthesia, and they asked us to go out so that they could do their assessment. (they do this every four hours). Your mom, Chet, Ryan and I went out in the waiting room. 17 minutes went by, and we wanted to go back in (remember, you had no tubes, and we could kiss you all over). Your mom was on the phone (don't act so shocked about that) and Ryan and I went in ahead of her. We walked up on either side of your bed, and I was talking to you and you gave me the biggest smile ever. I was so excited that I ran out in the waiting room to get your Mom.

When she came back in you would not smile, blink, mouth an answer, you were being stubborn to a fault. Your mom thought that I was lying, or that you had gas. Finally, before we left, I told you "Adam you need to do something here. We have to go home with her, she is going to bitch all night long because I got the smile. I will give you a hundred bucks, right now, if you smile for your mom." You looked over at me and gave me the biggest smile ever. I hate to say it, but it was money well spent.

On Friday, they started weaning you down on the meds, they had you at the lowest doses possible, and none of the "milk of amnesia". You are starting to remember stuff, and are able to give us yes and no answers. It is hard to leave you. You have excellent care though.

Yesterday, Saturday, Uncle Guy came to see you in the morning and reported back saying that you were wide awake and fighting like a banshee. I got out of bed and came up to see you. They had you sitting in a chair. How awesome that was. They didn't have your hands tied down, but they had control of you wrist bands. I came in and you kept trying to get up. The nurse asked me if I wanted to hang on to you, if I was okay with that. Of course I was. I could handle you as a bratty kid, I can handle you now. You kept trying to get up, and I couldn't let you. I was laying across you arms, you were trying to lean over and pull your tubes. You are still trying to trick us.

They finally put you back in bed and it was about an hour and a half, and finally you were tired enough from fighting to go to sleep. So I just rubbed your forehead and held your hand. Then I went back to your Moms and took a nap. You had a rough night. You will not sleep, you just want to get up.

When I called about you this morning, they said that you were in physical therapy. WOW !!!! You are amazing. You are getting up to go to the bathroom, and you want the catheter out, but not yet. You are still to weak to stand. We spent 3 hours wrestling you, and you would not go to sleep. Chet was giving you a hard time so I told you I would give you a hundred bucks to flip him off. You would look at me and then look at him, but could not get your fingers to do that. I gave you the hundred anyway. I put the $ 200.00 in your hand, you reached for it. So you had it crumpled in your left hand. We told you to hang on to it, so the nurses wouldn't take it. You hid it under the covers. During all of this, you still wanted to get up, you were fighting like crazy. So you dropped one of the hundreds and Chet grabbed it. He told you he had it, and you looked in your hand and saw that you didn't have them both. We got it back for you, and all was right with the world.

I have it in my purse for you. It is Sunday night and we are getting ready to come and see you. You finally went to sleep at about 6:30 tonight. Joanie the nurses aid and Kirsten were very relieved. They have earned their money today. They moved you today over in front of the nurses station. That way you can be monitered 24/7. You are to willing to rip out your tubes to easily. We don't mind the fight. It us much better than having you unconscious. I love you Sweet Boy and I am hanging on for dear life.

Adam Curtis - Part 3

This is our day today, pretty happy. Sunday night we went to see Adam, and of course he was okay. Just "hangin' around". We stopped by after getting a phone call that was distressing. Matthew was in St. Joseph Hospital. Wow!! He had some pretty bad pain going on, and being the good boy that he is, we knew that it wasn't the brown bottle flu from Saturday night. First he had a trip to Group Death (did I say that?), then they sent him over to St Joes, he had all of the appropriate tests, and lo and behold - we have an emergency appendectomy going on. (Is there a non-emergency appendectomy - of course it was emergency). Ryan, Chet, Sherri, and I went to the hospital and sat in the waiting room, the doctor finally came out and said that he was through, and that he did great. We went up to his room, and had a contest to see who could make him laugh first. I am not sure who won, however, it was fun trying. He is doing great by the way, and home at Chet and Sherri's. He came home on Monday morning, what a Studmuffin. Monday morning I tried to go to work like a normal person (what is normal?- a setting on the dryer!!!) Then about 12:00 PM I went to the hospital. Adam had been moved to a room closer to the nurses station, and required a full time "sitter". Someone who just sits and watches that he doesn't hurt himself. Kind of weird, but neccessary. He is able to communicate, although not alway in the best way. He gets pretty colorful in his wording. The only saving grace is the trake, and he can't get any sound out. I try to fill in for him, and just nods if I get it right. We got home about 6:00 PM for family night. We are all very positive about your recovery, and the hope that you are going to be okay. We don't know if you get to be a "setting on the dryer", but we are optimistic. After dinner, Uncle Guy and I were sitting at the dinner table, about 9:10 PM and I had a weird feeling that it was time to check up on you. I called the hospital, and you were having a rough time. Andrea, your nurse, said that you were fighting her and the sitter pretty hard, she was pretty stressed out. She said that maybe we could come try to calm you down. Mom, Mary O., Ryan and myself went up to the hospital, and you were pretty agitated. Between us, we were able to calm you down. You were not to amused by us, but responded okay. We calmed you down so good, that the charge nurse asked 2 of us to spend the night. We all raised our hand for this. You were in massive pain, and we wondered what was going on. They had sent out a urine sample and you have a urinary tract infection. Pretty bad, you are peeing blood. The burning sensation, and the pain are about to do you in. We finally got meds to treat you about 3 hours later. You kick and fight every time that you have to go to the bathroom, my heart breaks for you. I love you so much, and it hurts to see you in so much pain and confusion. We were able to carry on a conversation with you for the last few days, and you are pretty fun when you aren't frustrated with us. Here are some of the things that you do, they are amusing, frustrating, and sad, but they give us hope You want to write, we give you a pen and paper, your co-ordination isn't to good, so you scribble for us and we tell you how wonderful you did, and hang it on the wall. You mouth words to us, we try to understand, and sometimes, we get it right. Some times we can't figure it out, we say the wrong thing, and you get mad. You look at us like we are stupid, roll your eyes, and shake your head, and say fuck because we are just dumb. We are learning what your different signs mean, and you are so glad when we figure it out on the first try. You know how to tell us you want a mouth swab, your blankets on, moved up in the bed, your hands freed up, when you want to go to the bathroom. We are learning with you buddy. We untie you as much as we can, and then we give you a break. You really don't like to be tied down, but sometimes it has to be done. You get stubborn and we have to keep you safe. Today you wanted me to make a list. I did that, and our list read like this: Shower, Clothes, Phone, and Jello. You wanted the doctor to have it. I finally gave you the phone, you put a few numbers in, and put it down. It wasn't as much fun as you thought it would be. The doctor came in, we told her about all of the things that you want, after she told us what a miracle that you are. On Friday, they were making arrangements to put you in convalescent care, and today you are on your way to a rehabilitation center. She was shocked, she could not believe the leaps and bounds you have made. If you are nothing else, Adam Curtis, you are a true fighter and champion. We were so happy to see, how happy she was. We take all of our hope in doses. Small or large. I have learned to make your faces, and that is scary. You try to trick us all of the time. We say don't go for the cath, you scratch your leg, and grab anyway. You cover your mouth to cough and then lunge for your trake. I finally let you take the trake apart and hold it. Go ahead, it isn't going to kill you, but it is easier to breath with it on. Then you just shrugged and gave it back, and AGAIN, we put it back on. I draw the line at letting you pull out your catheter, I know how important that is to you. And this goes without saying, I have seen your pee pee more that I saw any of my ex-husbands, and that is in the last 30 hours. Thanks for sharing. I tell you that the nurses are going to see your penis, and you just shrug, and shake your head, you don't care. You want all the world to see. We talked to you about your head trauma, that you were in a bad accident, and you just shake your head no. You have felt your incisions, and know you were hurt bad, but do not understand that you were comatose for 3 weeks. Today is the 22nd day after the tragedy. You have to be reminded over and over what is wrong, and what we have to do to keep you safe. You go to sleep, and show fear and surprise everytime you wake up again. We tell you it is okay, and explain it all over again. Kind of like "fifty first dates", you forget and we remind you. Fortunately, you come from a long line of talkers, and we are more than willing to tell you again. You don't like it, but so far, you are managing okay. Adam, you were a stubborn little shit the day I met you, and remain so. I am so grateful that God placed you and your family in my life. Mary has always, since the teenage years, remained faithful in the fact that you are her best friend. I have been blessed to be in the situation I am in now, and able to help your Mom with you, Destiny, Matt and Malia. It is amazing to me how God continues to work in our lives, and has seen fit, to allow us to keep you here with us. I love you little boy !!! Your other Mom - Momma T

The Box I’ve lived in for 7 months CHAP 1

Friday, July 25, 2008
For the First Time in months I can see out my window.


For over 7 months now Ive been trapped in this box with no windows,no flowers,no rain, little oxygen. When a few people would talk to me it was like they gave me a little oxygen to be able to breathe for awhile longer.

I can honestly say I dont remember anything unless I have a picture of it or someone reminds me.
NO I DIDNT NOW WHAT WAS WRONG, AND THE ONES WHO WOULD SAY " WHATS YOUR PROBLEM","YOU JUST NEED TO STOP", "YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF THIS WAY"," DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON". "YOUR JUST CRAZY", "YOU ARE WORSE THEN YOU WERE BEFORE", "WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON".

I WILL JUST SAY THAT NONE OF THIS HELPS SOMEONE THAT WAS AT THE POINT I WAS. AFTER AWHILE YOU START THINKING JUST MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO AWAY. I DIDNT ANSWER THE PHONE,I DIDNT CALL PEOPLE BACK. ALL BECAUSE I COULDNT STAND TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY "YOU NEED TO STOP YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE." WHEN I DID ANSWER THE PHONE I WOULD JUST HANG UP THINKING THAT THEY THINK IM CRAZY TO, THEY REALLY DONT LIKE ME, THEY JUST NEEDED SOMETHING DONE.
BUT DEEP DOWN I WOULD TELL MYSELF THAT THERE ARE A FEW THAT CARE AND I SHOULD ALWAYS THINK THAT.
FOR MONTHS I CONTINUED TO GET WORSE AND WORSE, FIRST IT WAS SOME NOISES THAT MADE ME NUTS AND THEN IT WAS THE TV,KIDS,TO MANY PEOPLE TALKING, MORE THAN ONE THING GOING ON AT A TIME. SUDDEN LOUD NOISES OR SOUNDS.THEN I STARTED BE SCARED TO GO ANYWHERE THAT I WOULD SEE SOMEONE I KNEW. THEN IT WAS THE PANIK ATTACKS,ITCHING OUT OF CONTROL FROM MY NERVES. I COULDNT GO TO ANYONES HOUSE WHERE I WASNT SURE WHO WOULD BE THERE AND/OR WHERE THERE WERE TO MANY PEOPLE. I COULDNT GO OUT WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY IT WAS ALL TO MUCH. I NEVER WANTED TO GO TO SOCCER(I LOVE SOCCER).

AFTER MY NERVES BREAKDOWN, I HONESTLY DIDNT CARE ANYMORE, IT WAS TO MUCH TO CARE. IF YOU NOW ME YOU NOW I LOVE LIFE AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I DIDNT CARE IF I SAW TOMORROW. I TOLD A FEW PEOPLE WHAT I WANTED FOR MY CHILDREN. I BECAME BRUTALLY HONEST WITH ANYONE AND TO PEOPLE I DIDNT EVEN NOW, I WOULD SAY STUFF AT STORES TO PEOPLE. THEN I BECAME VERY SENSITIVE TO THE WAY OTHERS TALKED TO EACHOTHER. PARENTS GETTING ON THERE KIDS,PICKING ON THEM, KIDS BEING MEAN TO EACHOTHER AND EVEN THOU I NOW THAT MOST OF THE TIME THEY WERE JUST PLAYING AROUND IT STILL MADE ME NUTS. I HATE THE WAY PARENTS TALK TO THERE KIDS. NO IM NOT SAYING IM ANY BETTER BUT THIS IS ONE THING I WILL WORK ON. I SAY THINGS AND DONT THINK FIRST AND IM MEAN BUT I WILL WORK ON THIS FOR SURE.

I TRUELY CAN SAY I THOUGHT THAT I WAS WORTHLESS ,NOTHING, GROSS, DIRTY ,UGLY,AND STUPID. I STILL THINK THIS WAY BUT I KNOW THIS IS ONE AREA THAT I WILL BE WORKING ON ALSO.

IF ANYONE WOULD SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY HOUSE BEING DIRTY(THATS ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT WAS HOW GROSS I AM),IF SOMEONE WOULD SAY ARE YOU READY(I THOUGHT I MUST LOOK AWFUL)I WOULD WORRY ALL DAY AND NIGHT ABOUT MY HOUSE BEING DIRTY AND GROSS AND WHAT OTHERS WOULD SAY IF THEY CAME OVER. THAT ANGER WOULD TAKE OVER AND I WOULD JUST GET WORSE ABOUT IT. I WOULD THINK ABOUT CLEANING THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS ANYWHERE. I WOULD WORRY ABOUT GETTING IT DONE.
I WAS SURE THAT EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME EVEN MY FAMILY (WHO SAID THEY LOVE ME )AND MY BEST OF FRIENDS THAT HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME. I WILL SAY THAT THERE WAS A FEW THAT NEVER MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY AND KRISTY WAS AND STILL IS MY ROCK SHE WAS ALWAYS BY MY SIDE AND I LOVE HER TO DEATH. TANK, THINKS IM NUTS BUT HE WOULD GO WITH ME BECAUSE I WOULD ASK HIM TO I WOULD WONDER WHAT HE THOUGHT . AUNT MARY WOULD COME AND SEE ME EVERYDAY AND REMIND ME SHE LOVED ME.SHE SAID I LOVE YOU MY MARY GIRL. JENNY WOULD CALL AND BEFORE I WOULD HANG UP SHE ALWAYS SAID I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER! RIGHT! SHAWNA WOULD CALL AND TEXTED AND SHOW UP AT MY DOOR. BECAUSE I NEVER WANTED HER TO NOW HOW BAD I WAS DOING. ZARA WOULD CALL TO AND LEAVE ME MESSAGES. (ZARA IM SORRY IVE MISSED THE FIRST FEW MONTHS WITH AVA SHES A WONDERFUL LITTLE GIRL) KELLY WOULD JUST HANG OUT WITH ME LET ME CLEAN AND WAS OKAY WITH IT. MY GRANDMA WOULD CALL AND CHECK UP ON ME ALL THE TIME. I HAVE TO SAY AT TIMES I WOULD HAVE OVER 30 MESSAGES. LINDA WOULD COME AND GET ME JUST TO GO TO THE STORE SO I WOULD GO OUT, THEN SHE HAD TO MOVE TO CARE FOR HER PARENTS, I WILL SAY IT HURT BUT I UNDERSTAND WHY, MY OWN MOM THOUGHT I WAS MAKING IT WORSE AND I WAS MEAN BUT I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT WAS BECAUSE SHE DIDNT NOW WHAT TO DO. MY DAD!!!! WELL HE WAS JUST HERE FOR ME AND WITH ME EVERYDAY AND NIGHT. IF I NEEDED HIM TO STAY HE WOULD IF I NEEDED SOMETHING DONE HE DID IT. IF I NEEDED A BREAK HE WOULD KEEP THE KIDS....HE IS MY OTHER ROCK. ERIC WELL HE TOOK OVER SOCCER WITH THE KIDS AND FOR THE BOARD POSITION. HE HELP WITH THE ONE THING THAT WE ALL LOVE AND THATS SOCCER. HE THINKS IM MORE CRAZY THAN EVER. HE HAS NO INTEREST IN WHAT IM LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF AND/OR WHAT TO DO TO HELP ME BUT THATS OKAY I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND THE KIDS. I WILL BE THE WINNER AFTER I GET ALL THIS SOLVED. Thanks for THOSE WHO talked to me and taking me out of this life i was stuck in. These people now who they are ande thank You Thank You.

TO BE CONTINUED......LATER TODAY
BACK AT 4:45 PM

SO I FOUND DIFFERENT WAYS TO HELP MYSELP! I ORGANIZED BEADS. I FILED ANYTHING I COULD, I CLEANED ALL THE TIME. I EVEN PAINTED THE BATHROOM MANY COLORS BECAUSE I DIDNT LIKE ANYTHING. TO GO ANYWHERE WAS SO HARD MY HEART WOULD RACE AND I COULDNT BREATHE. I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO GO TO ANY OF THE REUNIONS. I DID GO AND IM GLAD I DID.

SO I WENT TO MY THERAPIST AND TALKED TO HER ON WED JULY 9TH AND WE TALKED ABOUT A FEW THINGS THAT WERE GETTING WORSE. WE TALKED ABOUT THE Hypnotherapy.
I TOLD KATHY SIGN ME UP IF I THINK ABOUT IT I WILL TALK MYSELF OUT OF IT. SO I CAME HOME AN TOLD EVERYONE HERE SOME CARED OTHER DIDNT. I WAS PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY CHOSE.
ON WED JULY 16TH
I WAS GOING TO CALL AND CHANGE IT BECAUSE GRANDPA GREAT HAD JUST PASSED AWAY AND THEN I DECIDED TO JUST GO OTHER WISE I WOULDNT GO AT ALL.

SO I GOT THERE AND WE TALKED ALITTLE ABOUT HOW I WAS DOING AND THEN SHE WANTED TO GET RIGHT INTO HYPNOTHERAPY. SO SHE HAD SOME QUITE MUSIC ON AND HAD ME STARE AT ONE THING ON THE WALL AND BREATHE DEEP. I HAD TO FIND MY FAVORITE PLACE THAT I FOUND PEACE.
TO ME THIS IS AT FORT FLAGLER WHEN YOU ARE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD TO MAUDES SPECIAL PLACE. BUT INSTEAD OF TURNING LEFT YOU JUST STAND THERE AND LOOK AT THE WATER,THE TREES ARE WONDERFUL, THE GRASS IS GREEN AND ANIMALS ARE ALL AROUND ME. THE FRESH AIR IS WONDERFUL AND CRISP. ITS A WONDERFUL FILLING. THE CRUNCH OF STICKS AND LEAVES AS YOU WALK ON THEM. THE ANIMALS WALKING IN THE WOODS.
SO AFTER I GOT THIS PLACE I COULD ALWAYS GO TO AND BE SAFE, THEN SHE WANTED ME TO REMEMBER THE BEST AGE AS AN ADULT BEFORE NOW AND TO ME THATS 27. WHEN I THINK OF 27 I FEEL LIKE A BIG BODYBUILDER WITH BIG STRONG ARMS AND I CAN TAKE ON THE WORLD. I WAS SO HAPPY WITH EVERYTHING AT THAT TIME.

THEN SHE WANTED ME TO TELL HER THE YOUNGEST AGE I COULD REMEMBER AND THAT WAS 7. I FELT SO SCARED AND COWARD DOWN, TENSE,TIRED,SAD. I FELT LIKE NO ONE LOVES ME AND DOESNT CARE ABOUT ME.

THEN SHE HAD ME REMEMBER THE LAST PLACE I WAS SCARED AT. IT WAS JOANNAS FABRIC. I WAS SCARED OF WHO I WOULD SEE OR RUN INTO. I HATE THAT FEELING OF THE UNKNOWN.

THEN SHE HAD ME GO BACK TO THAT SCARED 7 YEAR OLD GIRL AND MY 27 YEAR OLD STRONG SELF TO PROTECT ME.

I HAVE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD ALITTLE FARTHER WITH THIS NOW.

I CAN FOR THE FIRST TIME SAY I SEE THAT PERSON RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND I WAS PROTECTED BY MY STRONG SELF. I CRIED AND CRIED AND ASKED WHY? WHY? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHY CANT I JUST GO TO MY MOM? I'VE TRIED AND YOU STILL HATE ME AND SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME!

I WILL NOT ADD ANYMORE TO THIS DUE TO I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONES FEELINGS.
I WILL TELL YOU THAT WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME WAS MENTAL AND I WAS TOLD WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP I WAS AND THAT I WASNT WANTED AND THEY DIDNT WANT ME (NOT MY PARENTS) BUT OTHER PEOPLE THAT I WAS SUPPOST TO RESPECT AND TREAT WITH RESPECT. THIS WAS OKAY FOR THEM TO TREAT KIDS THIS WAY. BACK WHEN I WAS GROWING UP THAT IS HOW IT WAS NOT JUST IN OUR FAMILY BUT IN EVERY FAMILY. BUT I HAVE LEARNED DIFFERENT AND WHEN IT HAPPENED TO MY DAUGHTER AT THE SAME AGE OF 7 AND CONTINUED UNTIL THE FIRST OF THIS YEAR. I REALIZED THAT IT WASNT GOING TO BE ALLOWED. THAT IS NOT OKAY FOR ME TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO TREAT MY CHILD LIKE THAT WHEN I DONT EVEN DO THAT TO THEM. MY CHILDREN WILL NOT HAVE TO TAKE ABUSE.

I HAVE TOLD JORDAN IS IS NOT ALLOWED TO LET PEOPLE TREAT HER WRONG AND WILL NOT EVER TALK TO THOSE WHO DO THIS. YES ITS A DIFFERENT LIFE STYLE NOW AND I BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO EARN YOUR RESPECT. THAT IF YOU TREAT OTHERS BAD THEN DONT EXPECT THEM TO BE NICE TO YOU.

SHE IS WORTH MORE THAN THAT AND SHE NOWS IT. SHE CAN DO OR BE ANYTHING SHE WANTS. ALSO IN TALKING WITH KATHY SHE BELIEVES THAT JORDAN WILL BE OKAY BECAUSE I HAVE TOLD HER DIFFERENT. AS FOR ME ITS LIKE A SINK EMPTY OF DISHES (AND WE WERE NOT TO TALK BACK SO WE DIDNT WE WERENT ALLOWED TO ASK QUESTIONS. I JUST WANTED TO BE LIKED AND LOVE, AND TREATED FAIRLY. I DIDNT WANT TO BE THE FAVORITE BUT AT LEAST EXCEPTED FOR WHO I WAS.) SO AS LIFE WENT ON THAT SINK TOOK ALL THOSE DIRTY DISHES AND STAKED EVERYTHING IN THERE THAT COULD FIT. SO NOW WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THAT SINK AND TAKE CARE OF IT. CLEAN IT UP AND MAKE IT SHINE.

LIFE IS JUST ONE GREAT BIG CIRCLE AND IT JUST CAME FULL CIRCLE IN MY WORLD. I HAVE ALWAYS WONDERED WHY THAT NUMBER (7)STAYED WITH ME. I NOW HAVE THE AWNSER AND I NOW HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO FIX IT.

AS I HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR ALONG TIME, I HAD TO MAKE A CHANGE TO PROTECT MY KIDS AND MY FAMILY, BUT I JUST DONT NOW HOW TO MAKE IT OKAY. BUT THATS WHAT IM GOING TO LEARN.

I GO TO BED EVERYNIGHT AND SLEEP FOR 4 HOURS AND WAKE UP WITH SOMETHING THAT I FOUND WHILE I SLEPT. EVERYTHING IS COMING TO ME NOT ALL GOOD BUT I CAN DEAL WITH IT. LIFE HAS A WIERD WAY OF COMING AROUND.

I HAVE GIVEN EVERYTHING I HAVE TO EVERYONE I COULD. IF YOU NEEDED ME TO HELP YOU CLEAN(I WAS THERE) IF THEY NEEDED ME TO PICK THE PIECES UP AFTER THEY WERE DUMPED BY THERE MAN(I DID IT) IF THEY NEEDED SOMETHING FROM THE STORE AND HAD NO MONEY (I GOT IT). IF THEY NEEDED A RIDE (SURE mARY WILL TAKE THEM) IVE RAISED ALOT OF PEOPLE AND HELPED THEM INTO ADULTHOOD. I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE BUT I HAVE LEARNED THAT I CANT DO THAT ANYMORE AND I HAVE TO DO FOR MYSELF AND MY FAMILY.
I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THESE PEOPLE AND THEY NOW WHO THEY ARE!!!

MY FAMILY (THE ONES UNDER OUR ROOF) ,MY GRANDMA, BOTH MY MOMS, MY DAD, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, MY NEICES AND NEPHEW, MY AUNTS AND UNCLES, COUSINS, FRIENDS, MY KIDS FRIENDS.

IM GLAD THAT I COULD HELP EVERYONE AND ANYONE AND THAT I HAVE HAD THERE FINGER POINTINGBACK AT ME WANTING ME TO TAKE THE BLAME OF THERE MISTAKES. I TOOK IT ALOT BUT ITS TIME TO BE DONE. I HAVE NOTHING TO LIE ABOUT AND I NOW PEOPLE CANT STAND THAT I WILL TELL THE TRUTH NO MATTER WHAT. BUT I WILL SAY THIS ALOT IF PEOPLE HAVE TALKED WITH ME AND IVE BECAME THERE DIARY AND THE WORST PART FOR THOSE WHO WHAT TO MESS WITH ME THE DIARY HAS BEEN LEFT OPEN AND I REMEMBER EVERYTHING.

AS FOR THE OTHER THANKS FOR ALL THE YEARS OF TAKING AND TAKING AND TALKING BAD ABOUT OTHERS. THESE PEOPLE THINK THAT I WILL FORGET AND FORGIVE BUT YOUR WRONG THIS TIME. I HAVE BECOME A BETTER PERSON AND ONLY STRONGER. SO HATE ME , BE JEALOUS OF ME, TALK ALL YOU WANT ABOUT ME. BECAUSE I DONT CARE ANYMORE.

I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I HAVE BEEN PUT IN THIS LIFE OF A REASON AND TO HELP OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN HURT THE SAME WAY. SO I WILL HELP OTHERS THAT DESERVE IT AND STAND BY THEM.

SO FOR RIGHT NOW TODAY THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY.!

My box has a window and Im adding on!


As i sit here today, with this lump in my throat. I now its because we have soccer but thats okay. Today will be a big step for me and I will see how it goes. My nervous are bad again and Ive scratched them raw but Im stronger today then even yesterday. SO I CAN DO THIS!

Ive lived in this Cold,Dark place for months and I finally have hope again.

As i sit here and think of all the things that have gone on in my world and thing i have been thinking of it scares me and Im sure it scares others.

If you now me Im a busy,funny,loud and always going somewhere and doing something. I USE TO help anyone and everyone. BUT THATS CHANGED FOR SURE.
In december I can remember thinking Okay Soccers almost over I can hand the paper work over and just walk away. But I guess that wasnt the plan for others. So at the last game Jordan along with 3 others didnt play. They did put Jordan in at the end of the game for the overtime part but that was it. After they were done Jordan and the 3 others were told they were not allowed to try out next year and they could leave now. I will say that made me Angry. So I walked up to the coach and tried addressing the situation. I will just say it didnt go good. But after that we left and It broke my heart to watch these girls so heart broken. I can say for Jordan i felt the pain Ive been on that end of the stick from him forever.

So as time went on I just got worse I dont remember Christmas that much and from there on thank God I have pictures because i dont now where I have been. I remember thinking that if I just went away it would be okay. Everyone would be happier and wouldnt have to put up with me. I know that I wasnt good for the kids at all and they deserve much more. I had told a number of people that if anything is to happen to me I wanted Jordan and Jaegar to stay in there home until they were out of school or longer. I have never told my kids when they were 18 they had to go.

Okay I have to go for now but I will cont. later

MY OTHER MOM IS HOME FROM CALIFORNIA AND I HAVE TO SEE HER. I MISSED HER LIKE CRAZY