Friday, July 25, 2008
For the First Time in months I can see out my window.
For over 7 months now Ive been trapped in this box with no windows,no flowers,no rain, little oxygen. When a few people would talk to me it was like they gave me a little oxygen to be able to breathe for awhile longer.
I can honestly say I dont remember anything unless I have a picture of it or someone reminds me.
NO I DIDNT NOW WHAT WAS WRONG, AND THE ONES WHO WOULD SAY " WHATS YOUR PROBLEM","YOU JUST NEED TO STOP", "YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF THIS WAY"," DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON". "YOUR JUST CRAZY", "YOU ARE WORSE THEN YOU WERE BEFORE", "WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON".
I WILL JUST SAY THAT NONE OF THIS HELPS SOMEONE THAT WAS AT THE POINT I WAS. AFTER AWHILE YOU START THINKING JUST MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO AWAY. I DIDNT ANSWER THE PHONE,I DIDNT CALL PEOPLE BACK. ALL BECAUSE I COULDNT STAND TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY "YOU NEED TO STOP YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE." WHEN I DID ANSWER THE PHONE I WOULD JUST HANG UP THINKING THAT THEY THINK IM CRAZY TO, THEY REALLY DONT LIKE ME, THEY JUST NEEDED SOMETHING DONE.
BUT DEEP DOWN I WOULD TELL MYSELF THAT THERE ARE A FEW THAT CARE AND I SHOULD ALWAYS THINK THAT.
FOR MONTHS I CONTINUED TO GET WORSE AND WORSE, FIRST IT WAS SOME NOISES THAT MADE ME NUTS AND THEN IT WAS THE TV,KIDS,TO MANY PEOPLE TALKING, MORE THAN ONE THING GOING ON AT A TIME. SUDDEN LOUD NOISES OR SOUNDS.THEN I STARTED BE SCARED TO GO ANYWHERE THAT I WOULD SEE SOMEONE I KNEW. THEN IT WAS THE PANIK ATTACKS,ITCHING OUT OF CONTROL FROM MY NERVES. I COULDNT GO TO ANYONES HOUSE WHERE I WASNT SURE WHO WOULD BE THERE AND/OR WHERE THERE WERE TO MANY PEOPLE. I COULDNT GO OUT WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY IT WAS ALL TO MUCH. I NEVER WANTED TO GO TO SOCCER(I LOVE SOCCER).
AFTER MY NERVES BREAKDOWN, I HONESTLY DIDNT CARE ANYMORE, IT WAS TO MUCH TO CARE. IF YOU NOW ME YOU NOW I LOVE LIFE AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I DIDNT CARE IF I SAW TOMORROW. I TOLD A FEW PEOPLE WHAT I WANTED FOR MY CHILDREN. I BECAME BRUTALLY HONEST WITH ANYONE AND TO PEOPLE I DIDNT EVEN NOW, I WOULD SAY STUFF AT STORES TO PEOPLE. THEN I BECAME VERY SENSITIVE TO THE WAY OTHERS TALKED TO EACHOTHER. PARENTS GETTING ON THERE KIDS,PICKING ON THEM, KIDS BEING MEAN TO EACHOTHER AND EVEN THOU I NOW THAT MOST OF THE TIME THEY WERE JUST PLAYING AROUND IT STILL MADE ME NUTS. I HATE THE WAY PARENTS TALK TO THERE KIDS. NO IM NOT SAYING IM ANY BETTER BUT THIS IS ONE THING I WILL WORK ON. I SAY THINGS AND DONT THINK FIRST AND IM MEAN BUT I WILL WORK ON THIS FOR SURE.
I TRUELY CAN SAY I THOUGHT THAT I WAS WORTHLESS ,NOTHING, GROSS, DIRTY ,UGLY,AND STUPID. I STILL THINK THIS WAY BUT I KNOW THIS IS ONE AREA THAT I WILL BE WORKING ON ALSO.
IF ANYONE WOULD SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY HOUSE BEING DIRTY(THATS ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT WAS HOW GROSS I AM),IF SOMEONE WOULD SAY ARE YOU READY(I THOUGHT I MUST LOOK AWFUL)I WOULD WORRY ALL DAY AND NIGHT ABOUT MY HOUSE BEING DIRTY AND GROSS AND WHAT OTHERS WOULD SAY IF THEY CAME OVER. THAT ANGER WOULD TAKE OVER AND I WOULD JUST GET WORSE ABOUT IT. I WOULD THINK ABOUT CLEANING THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS ANYWHERE. I WOULD WORRY ABOUT GETTING IT DONE.
I WAS SURE THAT EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME EVEN MY FAMILY (WHO SAID THEY LOVE ME )AND MY BEST OF FRIENDS THAT HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME. I WILL SAY THAT THERE WAS A FEW THAT NEVER MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY AND KRISTY WAS AND STILL IS MY ROCK SHE WAS ALWAYS BY MY SIDE AND I LOVE HER TO DEATH. TANK, THINKS IM NUTS BUT HE WOULD GO WITH ME BECAUSE I WOULD ASK HIM TO I WOULD WONDER WHAT HE THOUGHT . AUNT MARY WOULD COME AND SEE ME EVERYDAY AND REMIND ME SHE LOVED ME.SHE SAID I LOVE YOU MY MARY GIRL. JENNY WOULD CALL AND BEFORE I WOULD HANG UP SHE ALWAYS SAID I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER! RIGHT! SHAWNA WOULD CALL AND TEXTED AND SHOW UP AT MY DOOR. BECAUSE I NEVER WANTED HER TO NOW HOW BAD I WAS DOING. ZARA WOULD CALL TO AND LEAVE ME MESSAGES. (ZARA IM SORRY IVE MISSED THE FIRST FEW MONTHS WITH AVA SHES A WONDERFUL LITTLE GIRL) KELLY WOULD JUST HANG OUT WITH ME LET ME CLEAN AND WAS OKAY WITH IT. MY GRANDMA WOULD CALL AND CHECK UP ON ME ALL THE TIME. I HAVE TO SAY AT TIMES I WOULD HAVE OVER 30 MESSAGES. LINDA WOULD COME AND GET ME JUST TO GO TO THE STORE SO I WOULD GO OUT, THEN SHE HAD TO MOVE TO CARE FOR HER PARENTS, I WILL SAY IT HURT BUT I UNDERSTAND WHY, MY OWN MOM THOUGHT I WAS MAKING IT WORSE AND I WAS MEAN BUT I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT WAS BECAUSE SHE DIDNT NOW WHAT TO DO. MY DAD!!!! WELL HE WAS JUST HERE FOR ME AND WITH ME EVERYDAY AND NIGHT. IF I NEEDED HIM TO STAY HE WOULD IF I NEEDED SOMETHING DONE HE DID IT. IF I NEEDED A BREAK HE WOULD KEEP THE KIDS....HE IS MY OTHER ROCK. ERIC WELL HE TOOK OVER SOCCER WITH THE KIDS AND FOR THE BOARD POSITION. HE HELP WITH THE ONE THING THAT WE ALL LOVE AND THATS SOCCER. HE THINKS IM MORE CRAZY THAN EVER. HE HAS NO INTEREST IN WHAT IM LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF AND/OR WHAT TO DO TO HELP ME BUT THATS OKAY I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND THE KIDS. I WILL BE THE WINNER AFTER I GET ALL THIS SOLVED. Thanks for THOSE WHO talked to me and taking me out of this life i was stuck in. These people now who they are ande thank You Thank You.
TO BE CONTINUED......LATER TODAY
BACK AT 4:45 PM
SO I FOUND DIFFERENT WAYS TO HELP MYSELP! I ORGANIZED BEADS. I FILED ANYTHING I COULD, I CLEANED ALL THE TIME. I EVEN PAINTED THE BATHROOM MANY COLORS BECAUSE I DIDNT LIKE ANYTHING. TO GO ANYWHERE WAS SO HARD MY HEART WOULD RACE AND I COULDNT BREATHE. I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO GO TO ANY OF THE REUNIONS. I DID GO AND IM GLAD I DID.
SO I WENT TO MY THERAPIST AND TALKED TO HER ON WED JULY 9TH AND WE TALKED ABOUT A FEW THINGS THAT WERE GETTING WORSE. WE TALKED ABOUT THE Hypnotherapy.
I TOLD KATHY SIGN ME UP IF I THINK ABOUT IT I WILL TALK MYSELF OUT OF IT. SO I CAME HOME AN TOLD EVERYONE HERE SOME CARED OTHER DIDNT. I WAS PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY CHOSE.
ON WED JULY 16TH
I WAS GOING TO CALL AND CHANGE IT BECAUSE GRANDPA GREAT HAD JUST PASSED AWAY AND THEN I DECIDED TO JUST GO OTHER WISE I WOULDNT GO AT ALL.
SO I GOT THERE AND WE TALKED ALITTLE ABOUT HOW I WAS DOING AND THEN SHE WANTED TO GET RIGHT INTO HYPNOTHERAPY. SO SHE HAD SOME QUITE MUSIC ON AND HAD ME STARE AT ONE THING ON THE WALL AND BREATHE DEEP. I HAD TO FIND MY FAVORITE PLACE THAT I FOUND PEACE.
TO ME THIS IS AT FORT FLAGLER WHEN YOU ARE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD TO MAUDES SPECIAL PLACE. BUT INSTEAD OF TURNING LEFT YOU JUST STAND THERE AND LOOK AT THE WATER,THE TREES ARE WONDERFUL, THE GRASS IS GREEN AND ANIMALS ARE ALL AROUND ME. THE FRESH AIR IS WONDERFUL AND CRISP. ITS A WONDERFUL FILLING. THE CRUNCH OF STICKS AND LEAVES AS YOU WALK ON THEM. THE ANIMALS WALKING IN THE WOODS.
SO AFTER I GOT THIS PLACE I COULD ALWAYS GO TO AND BE SAFE, THEN SHE WANTED ME TO REMEMBER THE BEST AGE AS AN ADULT BEFORE NOW AND TO ME THATS 27. WHEN I THINK OF 27 I FEEL LIKE A BIG BODYBUILDER WITH BIG STRONG ARMS AND I CAN TAKE ON THE WORLD. I WAS SO HAPPY WITH EVERYTHING AT THAT TIME.
THEN SHE WANTED ME TO TELL HER THE YOUNGEST AGE I COULD REMEMBER AND THAT WAS 7. I FELT SO SCARED AND COWARD DOWN, TENSE,TIRED,SAD. I FELT LIKE NO ONE LOVES ME AND DOESNT CARE ABOUT ME.
THEN SHE HAD ME REMEMBER THE LAST PLACE I WAS SCARED AT. IT WAS JOANNAS FABRIC. I WAS SCARED OF WHO I WOULD SEE OR RUN INTO. I HATE THAT FEELING OF THE UNKNOWN.
THEN SHE HAD ME GO BACK TO THAT SCARED 7 YEAR OLD GIRL AND MY 27 YEAR OLD STRONG SELF TO PROTECT ME.
I HAVE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD ALITTLE FARTHER WITH THIS NOW.
I CAN FOR THE FIRST TIME SAY I SEE THAT PERSON RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND I WAS PROTECTED BY MY STRONG SELF. I CRIED AND CRIED AND ASKED WHY? WHY? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHY CANT I JUST GO TO MY MOM? I'VE TRIED AND YOU STILL HATE ME AND SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME!
I WILL NOT ADD ANYMORE TO THIS DUE TO I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONES FEELINGS.
I WILL TELL YOU THAT WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME WAS MENTAL AND I WAS TOLD WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP I WAS AND THAT I WASNT WANTED AND THEY DIDNT WANT ME (NOT MY PARENTS) BUT OTHER PEOPLE THAT I WAS SUPPOST TO RESPECT AND TREAT WITH RESPECT. THIS WAS OKAY FOR THEM TO TREAT KIDS THIS WAY. BACK WHEN I WAS GROWING UP THAT IS HOW IT WAS NOT JUST IN OUR FAMILY BUT IN EVERY FAMILY. BUT I HAVE LEARNED DIFFERENT AND WHEN IT HAPPENED TO MY DAUGHTER AT THE SAME AGE OF 7 AND CONTINUED UNTIL THE FIRST OF THIS YEAR. I REALIZED THAT IT WASNT GOING TO BE ALLOWED. THAT IS NOT OKAY FOR ME TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO TREAT MY CHILD LIKE THAT WHEN I DONT EVEN DO THAT TO THEM. MY CHILDREN WILL NOT HAVE TO TAKE ABUSE.
I HAVE TOLD JORDAN IS IS NOT ALLOWED TO LET PEOPLE TREAT HER WRONG AND WILL NOT EVER TALK TO THOSE WHO DO THIS. YES ITS A DIFFERENT LIFE STYLE NOW AND I BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO EARN YOUR RESPECT. THAT IF YOU TREAT OTHERS BAD THEN DONT EXPECT THEM TO BE NICE TO YOU.
SHE IS WORTH MORE THAN THAT AND SHE NOWS IT. SHE CAN DO OR BE ANYTHING SHE WANTS. ALSO IN TALKING WITH KATHY SHE BELIEVES THAT JORDAN WILL BE OKAY BECAUSE I HAVE TOLD HER DIFFERENT. AS FOR ME ITS LIKE A SINK EMPTY OF DISHES (AND WE WERE NOT TO TALK BACK SO WE DIDNT WE WERENT ALLOWED TO ASK QUESTIONS. I JUST WANTED TO BE LIKED AND LOVE, AND TREATED FAIRLY. I DIDNT WANT TO BE THE FAVORITE BUT AT LEAST EXCEPTED FOR WHO I WAS.) SO AS LIFE WENT ON THAT SINK TOOK ALL THOSE DIRTY DISHES AND STAKED EVERYTHING IN THERE THAT COULD FIT. SO NOW WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THAT SINK AND TAKE CARE OF IT. CLEAN IT UP AND MAKE IT SHINE.
LIFE IS JUST ONE GREAT BIG CIRCLE AND IT JUST CAME FULL CIRCLE IN MY WORLD. I HAVE ALWAYS WONDERED WHY THAT NUMBER (7)STAYED WITH ME. I NOW HAVE THE AWNSER AND I NOW HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO FIX IT.
AS I HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR ALONG TIME, I HAD TO MAKE A CHANGE TO PROTECT MY KIDS AND MY FAMILY, BUT I JUST DONT NOW HOW TO MAKE IT OKAY. BUT THATS WHAT IM GOING TO LEARN.
I GO TO BED EVERYNIGHT AND SLEEP FOR 4 HOURS AND WAKE UP WITH SOMETHING THAT I FOUND WHILE I SLEPT. EVERYTHING IS COMING TO ME NOT ALL GOOD BUT I CAN DEAL WITH IT. LIFE HAS A WIERD WAY OF COMING AROUND.
I HAVE GIVEN EVERYTHING I HAVE TO EVERYONE I COULD. IF YOU NEEDED ME TO HELP YOU CLEAN(I WAS THERE) IF THEY NEEDED ME TO PICK THE PIECES UP AFTER THEY WERE DUMPED BY THERE MAN(I DID IT) IF THEY NEEDED SOMETHING FROM THE STORE AND HAD NO MONEY (I GOT IT). IF THEY NEEDED A RIDE (SURE mARY WILL TAKE THEM) IVE RAISED ALOT OF PEOPLE AND HELPED THEM INTO ADULTHOOD. I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE BUT I HAVE LEARNED THAT I CANT DO THAT ANYMORE AND I HAVE TO DO FOR MYSELF AND MY FAMILY.
I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THESE PEOPLE AND THEY NOW WHO THEY ARE!!!
MY FAMILY (THE ONES UNDER OUR ROOF) ,MY GRANDMA, BOTH MY MOMS, MY DAD, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, MY NEICES AND NEPHEW, MY AUNTS AND UNCLES, COUSINS, FRIENDS, MY KIDS FRIENDS.
IM GLAD THAT I COULD HELP EVERYONE AND ANYONE AND THAT I HAVE HAD THERE FINGER POINTINGBACK AT ME WANTING ME TO TAKE THE BLAME OF THERE MISTAKES. I TOOK IT ALOT BUT ITS TIME TO BE DONE. I HAVE NOTHING TO LIE ABOUT AND I NOW PEOPLE CANT STAND THAT I WILL TELL THE TRUTH NO MATTER WHAT. BUT I WILL SAY THIS ALOT IF PEOPLE HAVE TALKED WITH ME AND IVE BECAME THERE DIARY AND THE WORST PART FOR THOSE WHO WHAT TO MESS WITH ME THE DIARY HAS BEEN LEFT OPEN AND I REMEMBER EVERYTHING.
AS FOR THE OTHER THANKS FOR ALL THE YEARS OF TAKING AND TAKING AND TALKING BAD ABOUT OTHERS. THESE PEOPLE THINK THAT I WILL FORGET AND FORGIVE BUT YOUR WRONG THIS TIME. I HAVE BECOME A BETTER PERSON AND ONLY STRONGER. SO HATE ME , BE JEALOUS OF ME, TALK ALL YOU WANT ABOUT ME. BECAUSE I DONT CARE ANYMORE.
I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I HAVE BEEN PUT IN THIS LIFE OF A REASON AND TO HELP OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN HURT THE SAME WAY. SO I WILL HELP OTHERS THAT DESERVE IT AND STAND BY THEM.
SO FOR RIGHT NOW TODAY THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY.!
My box has a window and Im adding on!
As i sit here today, with this lump in my throat. I now its because we have soccer but thats okay. Today will be a big step for me and I will see how it goes. My nervous are bad again and Ive scratched them raw but Im stronger today then even yesterday. SO I CAN DO THIS!
Ive lived in this Cold,Dark place for months and I finally have hope again.
As i sit here and think of all the things that have gone on in my world and thing i have been thinking of it scares me and Im sure it scares others.
If you now me Im a busy,funny,loud and always going somewhere and doing something. I USE TO help anyone and everyone. BUT THATS CHANGED FOR SURE.
In december I can remember thinking Okay Soccers almost over I can hand the paper work over and just walk away. But I guess that wasnt the plan for others. So at the last game Jordan along with 3 others didnt play. They did put Jordan in at the end of the game for the overtime part but that was it. After they were done Jordan and the 3 others were told they were not allowed to try out next year and they could leave now. I will say that made me Angry. So I walked up to the coach and tried addressing the situation. I will just say it didnt go good. But after that we left and It broke my heart to watch these girls so heart broken. I can say for Jordan i felt the pain Ive been on that end of the stick from him forever.
So as time went on I just got worse I dont remember Christmas that much and from there on thank God I have pictures because i dont now where I have been. I remember thinking that if I just went away it would be okay. Everyone would be happier and wouldnt have to put up with me. I know that I wasnt good for the kids at all and they deserve much more. I had told a number of people that if anything is to happen to me I wanted Jordan and Jaegar to stay in there home until they were out of school or longer. I have never told my kids when they were 18 they had to go.
Okay I have to go for now but I will cont. later
MY OTHER MOM IS HOME FROM CALIFORNIA AND I HAVE TO SEE HER. I MISSED HER LIKE CRAZY
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